As expected, everything turned out differently.

I borrowed the title for this blogpost from a book written by Berthold Gunster. Berthold is a fellow dutchmen and a person whose way of thinking inspired me for more than once since I started my journey of self-exploration. I read quite a few of his books and am a big fan of his podcasts (“Omdenken”, sadly enough only relevant for us Dutchies since it’s dutch spoken). The book I’m borrowing the title from is quite new and therefore still on my “to-read” list. Nevertheless, since 3,5 weeks its title just keeps popping up in my mind several times a day. “As expected, everything turned out differently.” this sentence is so related to the experiences not only I, but with me probably millions of other people have been going through this last month or so, I just couldn’t resist using this title.

At this particular moment, the moment I start writing the first words for this blog post I’ve been back “home” in the Netherlands for about 3 weeks. I happened to “fortunately” have booked and taken the last regular flight (that escaped cancellation) from Bangkok directly to Amsterdam on March 27.

I wanted to start writing earlier. But, truth be told, I was energy drained, confused and occupied trying to wrap my head around this new and unforeseen situation. I feel like even now I still need time to digest and make peace with all that has happened since I quit my job roughly 1,5 month ago. Therefore, by the time you guys will read this, probably some more time has passed. I’m going to take this easy and just write whenever I feel comfortable writing. In my opinion, this is the best approach at the current moment.

Going to “prison”

As already mentioned in my last blogpost, I arrived at New Life Tuesday March 17 2020 around 11:30 in the morning. When driving up the entrance lane to New Life the contrast between my dark mood and the interior of my Grab (Asian Uber) cab couldn’t have been any bigger. I found myself at the time sitting on the backseat of some young woman’s car, the interior covered in Mickey Mouse sheets and the radio blurring out happy vocals from some local pop song. While looking past the headbanging puppets on the dashboard I could see people working in the New life gardens in silence, collecting the fallen leaves. God, seeing it up close it truly felt like the last place on earth I wanted to be.

I’d been building up to this negativity for the last couple of days. The smog, the loneliness, the cockroaches, the aggressive stray dogs on the streets of Chiang Rai, the anxiety and uncertainty around the covid virus, the coughing cleaning maid in the hotel I just left, Chiang Rai’s scenery in general and the fact that I was eating instant noodles for the last 2 days, it all added up. The result was that by the time we drove up this entrance lane my internal image of what New Life would be like, had shifted 180 degree. That beautiful and promising place where I could flourish, learn about and make peace with myself had shifted into some sort of smog covered prison camp where I’d be obliged to work in the fields and forbidden to use my mobile devices while being locked up for my remaining time in Thailand. Thailand that country with so much to offer, so many beautiful places to visit. What the hell have I been thinking?

Wandering mind

I’ve been dealing with my minds stories for such a long time that I already experienced more than once that what it comes up with is not always as trustworthy as it seems. The stories made up in my and also in your mind are coloured by the moods and the external circumstances we’re dealing with at the given time. In this case, the core of what I’ve been expecting New life to be like hadn’t changed. What had changed is how I thought I was going to experience my stay there. I “changed lenses” so to say. Instead of looking forward positively and welcoming the idea of trying all these new and probably more healthy daily structures, I looked forward negatively and saw all these opportunities as negative obligations, more rules to follow and another way of enforcing behaviours upon me.

Having these past experiences and the understanding that my mind often plays tricks on me didn’t change much in the story it was coming up with. However, it made me able to question it, realise that there could be other alternatives and that I honestly didn’t knew much about New life except for the things I’ve heard, read and imagined. It enabled me to make a rational approach; “Whatever is going to happen there, I’m still a free man and I can walk away every single second of it.” More important even; “At this very moment I’m staying just a 20 mins drive away from the place, I might as well check it out for a few days, make decisions later.” And so it happened.

Even now I can still feel my heavy footsteps dragging towards New life’s front office. I was carrying not only my 16 kgs worth of backpack but also my heavy doubts and scepticism about what I was stepping into. I’d been working towards this moment for the last 7 months. It was the plan that had kept me on my feet in the Netherlands, the promise of a chance to try and heal myself and hopefully the beginning of a better life, a better me. At least, a better equipped version of me, more ready to face this world and the challenges it comes with. But now this idea, this story had somehow just vaporized.

Somewhere deep inside I was proud of myself, proud of the steps I’ve taken and the fears I’ve concurred just to get here. These last days, weeks, months, I’ve pushed myself out of my comfort zone in ways I never thought possible. But in this particular moment while dragging my leaden feet over this gravel path it was hard to see this pride. A feeling of weakness hang over me as a dark cloud. Again I found myself trapped in negativity, seemingly unable to change. Even on the other side of the world I couldn’t outrun myself.

Amazing New Life

Within 2 hours after stepping in the front office I experienced that all the fears and doubts I’d carried in where totally out of place. In fact, I would get a good glimpse on one of the core elements that makes New Life such a unique place.

As mentioned I arrived at New Life close to noon. After the check-in procedure I got shown to my room which would be my home for the next 6 weeks. “No worries this first day”, was the advice, “take your time, enjoy the pool, get to know the surroundings and start feeling comfortable. Following the program can wait till tomorrow”. “At 12:30 you can join all of us for lunch in the mess-hall.”

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Before I start explaining what happened that made such an impression on me, you have to know that I usually am quite an introvert person. I’m not the guy that easily makes friends at a bar. In fact, I’m the guy that grows more silent the moment someone louder enters the conversation, the guy that takes a place somewhere else “not to bother people”. It’s not that I’m ashamed of myself, even the contrary. But, I do have insecurities stepping in the spotlight. Often I feel like sort of a misfit because of my story, my way of approaching life and my way of thinking. I lack having a big group of friends (partly because of this). The people that know me in real life will probably agree that most often it takes quite a while to truly get to know me. Becoming a really trusted and close friend is just for a select few of them. “I break lose over time” and I’m ok with that.

So, when lunch time came closer I walked a few more rounds through my new room, took a deep breath and headed over to the mess hall. I kicked of my flipflops at the entrance (no shoe zone) put on my fake smile (trying to hide the knot in my stomach) and followed the lead of some other people I assumed where residents as well. After putting some light food on my plate I did what I usually do in a new environment, I took an empty table in the corner of the room facing outwards and sat down. “No need to rush this, I’ll get to know these people along the way in the next 6 weeks.” Before I had time to pick up my fork I got tapped on my shoulder, “Hey man, you mind if I join you?” “Uhm, sure…”. Within 3 minutes the table was occupied with 6-7 other people all trying to pronounce my name, truly interested in me as a person. “Do you like working out Rem? I’m hosting a workout tomorrow, you should come!” Totally unexpected I got welcomed in the warmest way I ever experienced.

It didn’t just end in the mess hall. When later on in the day I got shown around the property every single person I encountered that I hadn’t meet before reached out, introduced themselves and promised to catch up later. Before evening dinner I had made acquaintance with 75% of the community, already shared some deep conversations by the pool and let go of the fear and scepticism realising that coming here was probably one of the wisest things I could’ve done.

The program

The following days I joined the program and quite quickly got used to the daily structure. Wake up at 6 am, gather for yoga or meditation in silence, have breakfast, a morning meeting where the rest of the daily activities where announced, some hours of work and following that in the afternoon there where group-sessions, counselling sessions and time off to get to know each other, read a book, have a swim, workout, walk or just be on your own for a while to digest what had happened during the course of the day. Whatever suited best at the given moment. The structure of the days worked just magically for me. There was time for yourself but simultaneously there was no time to fall back in bad and passive routines without being missed somewhere. There was this gentle pressure to incorporate routine in your days and be part of the activities.

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The people

The people in this community where all fascinating in their own way. We all had our own unique and quite often rough and painful background story. But, what united us was the fact that all of us where here with a similar goal. Every single one of us had made the decision to step out of their usual life, join New Life and try their best to better themselves, their approach of life, their way of thinking and their daily habits.

For me personally just being in an environment where all the people around me not only understood, but quite often shared similar experiences in their own life was totally new. Because of this there was no shame, no taboo, no misfit, just an almost instant connection on a level that in normal life would take me months or even years to accomplish. Everyone was equal and everyone was welcome and enclosed in the group. Realising that I’m not a “weirdo”, that there’s a huge sum of people with almost identical values and a similar approach to life is beyond powerful, it’s eye-opening.

The world outside

Because the program felt quite packed and most of the activities and sessions turned out to be heavy on emotional level there was not much time for me to bother about what was going on in the world outside of New Life’s boundaries. The anxiety I had around the covid virus and it’s possible impact on my plan started to fade and move to the background. The more time I spend in this program with all these amazing people the more blessed and secure I felt. I had this big opportunity to spend these uncertain times being here in this safe environment while working on myself. What better prospect could I ask for given the current situation?

When reality catched up

Halfway my third day in the program we where asked to gather for an important announcement. Unfortunately New Life had to decide to close their doors. The situation started to evolve in such manners that it became nearly impossible to maintain a safe environment for all of us. Even though preventive measures where taken to keep us separated from the outer world as best as possible we where a big group of people and the responsibility became to much to handle. At that time it was a huge slap in the face. Not only for me, but for everyone of us. This safe environment we all counted on was no longer going to be there. However, looking backwards I think it’s probably been one of the hardest but also one of the wises decisions thinkable for the staff.

We got offered 3 days to stay in the community while we made travelling arrangements. Meanwhile New Life did a tremendous job trying to support us all in practical and emotional sense. Knowing that most of the counsellors had the same deadline for leaving the property and heard the news the same moment the rest of us did, I’m truly amazed by the amount of commitment and time they still managed to find to support us.

The 3 days following on the announcement intensified the new life experience tremendously. In this period of “unknowing” everyone grew even closer and reached out to help and support one another. These days turned out to be an intense mixture of grief, slight panic but also of beauty relief, karaoke, midnight pool parties, opening up and just a celebration of the fact that we where here together and we have had this beautiful experience.

Rushing to Bangkok

For me it was quite quickly certain that I was not confident enough to stay in Thailand like many of the other residents wanted to do. Asia was new territory and I wasn’t familiar enough with their culture to foresee how life there would be like the moment the covid pandemic would get out of hand. Since domestic flights started to be cancelled on a daily basis I figured my best bet was to get to Bangkok and close to their international airport as soon as possible. Even though I still had a flight back home booked for 6 weeks later I booked a new flight the earliest available option (Friday March 27).

While joining forces with a few others who came up with the same strategy we left New Life on Monday the 23th, just a week after I drove in in this Mickey mouse cab. Saying goodbye was hard, quite contrary to my expectations I’d made a bunch of new friends in a very short notice. People who I admired for who they are and for their strength and positivity in hard times. People I hope to stay in touch with the upcoming time and hope to meet again in the future.

In Bangkok New Life spirits continued. Bonding with the small group of “disciples” continued and I carry some beautiful memories of this period.

Now what?

What happened to me during the 2 weeks following my first steps into New Life’s front office has been something incredible, something eye-opening and definitely life changing. It felt like I finally opened up, much like a flower in spring experiencing sunlight for the very first time. It amazed me to feel a full spectrum of emotions on a level that I couldn’t even imagine being capable of. For the first time in many years I felt truly alive, welcome and understood. I found compassion for myself and for the people around me. I experienced emotions on a level that was unknown to me, pure, coming from my own core. I cried for myself and for others and amazed myself with the pace I was letting people in.

I could be down and depressed about how this worked out. Quite frankly this is not the first time I tried to take a serious step forward but got swept from my feet. But luckily, for some reason, now I can look at it from a different perspective, a perspective filled with gratitude. I had this tiny taste of what’s possible, this tiny experience of what New Life has to offer me, and most important, this short view on what’s there to be found under my own surface. I’m not sad because it’s over, I’m happy it happened.

I still connect on a more or less daily basis with a lot of the people I’ve met. I still push through with the good and healthy habits incorporating yoga and meditation in my daily life. And my plan is unchanged. As soon as the option is there I will be heading back to Thailand, to New Life. This time with a slightly different approach and an even more open agenda. I feel that this place has a lot to offer, seeing what it did to me in just these few days. I’m excited to get to experience it for a longer period.

As for today, like many of you I have my ups and downs, I feel panic and insecurity every now and then. I don’t really know what direction in life to aim for and how much time I have for that. In some regards I feel stuck again, but this time it’s different, this time I’m not the only one, this time almost everyone in this world feels stuck. Luckily I do have some advantage, I’ve been dealing with a situation quite similar to this for the last 1,5 years. I’ve fought my way through a lot of hard times and I feel way more prepared to face this period as well.

I hope that all of you just like me try to take these days, day by day. Make sure you incorporate some fun in them and take care of yourselves and the ones around you. Keep in mind that although making plans is fun and makes hopeful for the future, plans can change drastically and unexpectedly (As expected everything turned out differently.) as we all experienced. Today and more precisely this very moment is all we truly have, it’s the only moment we can make a real impact on our lives.

Unfortunately the current global situation is how it is, it’s nobodies fault and most of us can’t do much to change it. We can fight it, ignore it or get depressed about it, but all of this won’t change the fact that it’s there and in our faces. What we can do though is accept that it’s there, accept that it’s going to be like this for a while and encourage ourselves and others to make the best out of it. Be kind to yourself, be kind to your close ones and don’t forget to do the things you love.

Please stay healthy! Cheers, Rem.